HJ's Milinery story.

[Hatter Josephs]

Hey guys. So...I was bored today,and decided to make a story on the milinery! Remember how in book one,how it says that all miliners were killed? Well,Im gonna write a story on how it happened. The first part is still in progress,but I assure you,part one includes Miss Hado's(Mentioned in Seeing Redd)Untimely demise. I assure you as well,that it will definatly be on here. Hope you enjoy it when I get it up! Feel free to post ideas I should add.

~HJ

[Hatter Josephs]

Here we go....

Chapter one:The demise of Miss Hado.

"Cant...Let them....Keep up...with me..." A women said,running down a poluted street in wonderland. Glass eyes stood infront of her,but she made quick work of them with her milinery weaponry. She carried a bag,filled with Hats of all shapes and sizes. She took her own hat,A Cavilier off,and flung it toward the incoming Glass eye behind her. It sliced through the glass eye,and her hat flung back. Finally,without being noticed,she made it into the HATBOX,and hid the hats,in a place where no-one could find them. She then stepped outside,preparing to make a run for the Alyssian base. Her wrist blades chopped through the other nearby Glass eyes. Her backpack weaponry chopped into the Glass eyes,and chopped them apart. She hurried down the road,headed to a Smail Transport she had seen. However,as soon as she arrived,the back opened up,and Orb Generators licked the sky,and crashed into her. There was nothing left to dispose of. A hand of card soldiers,A ten card,pair of twos,lone three,and a pair of aces stepped out,and looked around. Their mission was complete,but they could not find the hats.

The execution of the Miliner breed had begun.

Ok. Post comments if you like,and post constructive critisism.

[Hatter Fan]

ooo... sounds interesting and dramatic!

[Hatter Josephs]

Trust me,there will be more stories. Im working on the demise of "Bowler Micheals" Right now :D

[Hatter Josephs]

And Chaper two is finished! This is the last one I worked on today,but I'll have more tommorow,or some other times.

Chapter two-The demise of Bowler Micheals.

Boom! The back werehouse of the labor camp Blaxix exploded into splinters. A group of alysian soldiers,Chessmen,and a man wearing a bowler hat ran in. The man's outfit was silver,making him visable as he took out the Cut's soldiers,slicing through them with his hat and wristblades. He blocked the incoming crystal shot from behind him using his wristblades. However,there were more than just a few weapons being fired at once. The man leaped into the air,and swung his hat off. It turned into a helecopter-like blade,and spun around,chopping the Cut's soldiers into bits. He flipped the hat back on his head,and looked forward as a shadow appeared on the horizen. It looked like...A kitten? The man walked toward it,sensing it as a stray. However,when he got close enough.

The kitten transformed into The Cat,and ripped Bowler Micheals apart. He licked the blood from his claws,and incierated his hat into nothing.

[The Hattertant]

So you said you wanted constructive criticism. Note that this is all on Chapter One, because you were sneaky and posted Chapter Two while I was writing this. :p

You did a great job on this, making it quite an interesting read, however there are lots and lots of things to improve on. I'll start out with the basics and move onto other stuff.

Remember to place spaces after commas. Not only does this make it look so much neater, but it does give it a nice professional look that everyone likes. I notice that like me, you tend to use commas quite a bit; however, one sentence stood out to me the most:


Finally,without being noticed,she made it into the HATBOX,and hid the hats,in a place where no-one could find them.

There are several unneeded commas that make the sentence choppy, and I'm seeing a couple commas there that can be edited out to make it sound much smoother. Perhaps "Finally, without being noticed, she made it into the HATBOX and hid the hats in a place where no one could find them."

Also, description description description! I LOVE how you've had Miss Hado, the Millinery woman that taught everyone to make the hats, seem awesome (like all Milliners are) with all her weapons, but! Describe more. I want to know everything about her; what does she look like, what exactly is happening, is her coat swooping behind her as she runs, is she gasping for air? And where did she hide the hats? "A place where no one could find them", yes, but describe that place. Is it dark, behind something? Describe the scene.

Draw your readers into the story with describing. Description is unbelievably important in a story. Include the five senses: sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing. Does she hear the Glass Eyes feet stomping on the ground as they run after her? Can she smell the grit and filth of Wondertropolis? How about those hats, are they velvety? Silky? Smooth? Perhaps she can taste a dry cardboard taste in her mouth from being anxious.

As for sight: Describe describe describe. You have some description, but what you really want to aim for is to use words to paint a picture. You cannot rely entirely on the reader's Imagination to come up with the missing descriptions; the only thing that does it create confusion regarding what is happening, because what you see and what they see might become very different, and then it turns into bleh.

But just be careful; integrate your descriptions into an action that the character is doing. It IS occasionally okay to add an entire paragraph of JUST descriptions, but note that you shouldn't do this in a scene where things are moving fast. Descriptive paragraphs are slower and will make it seem wierd. Don't make your reader's mind come to a screeching halt in the middle of fast action scenes.

And don't you dare read this and then go overboard with description in the next chapter or I will do a major facepalm. Yes, there is such thing as TOO much description... you just sort of have to know when enough is enough, I guess. I can't teach that. Wah.

And one last itty bitty thing; use of words. Yes, we know that Millinery weapons chop, but they might not chop all the time. Maybe they hack. Slash. Shred. Do they make noise? Yes, the propellers make a soft hum as their rotary-action motors spin those blades. Mix up those adjectives a bit, use variety.

One quick thing for Chapter Two: Let us see how The Cat rips him apart. Tell us how horrible the genocide of the Millinery is. Tell us about the 'bloody demise'. (Just don't go overboard. LOL)

So. Who's going to die next? :D If you just keep in mind the stuff I said to you (yeah, I know it's long, but it's all important) your writing will be awesome. I really want to see you improve, this is such an interesting story. I like how it came out of nowhere too, like "I'm going to write this story about the demise of the Millinery!" and I said "COOL!"

You must continue this story. I will be eagerly awaiting the next chapter. ^.^

~ HT

P.S. Do you have Microsoft Word on your computer? If so, you must use it! MS Word is your friend! You must LOVE MS Word! If you love MS Word it will love you back. ^.^ It is your friend. It even corrects spelling and punctuation, except that most of the time I have to ignore the grammatical errors because no, MS Word, I don't want that 'and' there! It even has a cute little button where you can look up words and use a thesaurus to mix things up! I have a rule for that though; if I can't pronounce the word without looking at the pronunciation guide, I'm not allowed to use it. :p:p

[Mimsy]

It looks really interesting to read, HJ. But take Hattertant's constructive criticism to heart. It will help so much on your fan fic. Heck, I'm learning a thing or two from just by reading her last post.

Hattertant, you would be a awesome English teacher. I really do mean it. :D

[The Hattertant]

It looks really interesting to read, HJ. But take Hattertant's constructive criticism to heart. It will help so much on your fan fic. Heck, I'm learning a thing or two from just by reading her last post.

Hattertant, you would be a awesome English teacher. I really do mean it. :D

Hee hee hee.

I have practice with this stuff~~

[Hatter Josephs]

So you said you wanted constructive criticism. Note that this is all on Chapter One, because you were sneaky and posted Chapter Two while I was writing this. :p

You did a great job on this, making it quite an interesting read, however there are lots and lots of things to improve on. I'll start out with the basics and move onto other stuff.

Remember to place spaces after commas. Not only does this make it look so much neater, but it does give it a nice professional look that everyone likes. I notice that like me, you tend to use commas quite a bit; however, one sentence stood out to me the most:



There are several unneeded commas that make the sentence choppy, and I'm seeing a couple commas there that can be edited out to make it sound much smoother. Perhaps "Finally, without being noticed, she made it into the HATBOX and hid the hats in a place where no one could find them."

Also, description description description! I LOVE how you've had Miss Hado, the Millinery woman that taught everyone to make the hats, seem awesome (like all Milliners are) with all her weapons, but! Describe more. I want to know everything about her; what does she look like, what exactly is happening, is her coat swooping behind her as she runs, is she gasping for air? And where did she hide the hats? "A place where no one could find them", yes, but describe that place. Is it dark, behind something? Describe the scene.

Draw your readers into the story with describing. Description is unbelievably important in a story. Include the five senses: sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing. Does she hear the Glass Eyes feet stomping on the ground as they run after her? Can she smell the grit and filth of Wondertropolis? How about those hats, are they velvety? Silky? Smooth? Perhaps she can taste a dry cardboard taste in her mouth from being anxious.

As for sight: Describe describe describe. You have some description, but what you really want to aim for is to use words to paint a picture. You cannot rely entirely on the reader's Imagination to come up with the missing descriptions; the only thing that does it create confusion regarding what is happening, because what you see and what they see might become very different, and then it turns into bleh.

But just be careful; integrate your descriptions into an action that the character is doing. It IS occasionally okay to add an entire paragraph of JUST descriptions, but note that you shouldn't do this in a scene where things are moving fast. Descriptive paragraphs are slower and will make it seem wierd. Don't make your reader's mind come to a screeching halt in the middle of fast action scenes.

And don't you dare read this and then go overboard with description in the next chapter or I will do a major facepalm. Yes, there is such thing as TOO much description... you just sort of have to know when enough is enough, I guess. I can't teach that. Wah.

And one last itty bitty thing; use of words. Yes, we know that Millinery weapons chop, but they might not chop all the time. Maybe they hack. Slash. Shred. Do they make noise? Yes, the propellers make a soft hum as their rotary-action motors spin those blades. Mix up those adjectives a bit, use variety.

One quick thing for Chapter Two: Let us see how The Cat rips him apart. Tell us how horrible the genocide of the Millinery is. Tell us about the 'bloody demise'. (Just don't go overboard. LOL)

So. Who's going to die next? :D If you just keep in mind the stuff I said to you (yeah, I know it's long, but it's all important) your writing will be awesome. I really want to see you improve, this is such an interesting story. I like how it came out of nowhere too, like "I'm going to write this story about the demise of the Millinery!" and I said "COOL!"

You must continue this story. I will be eagerly awaiting the next chapter. ^.^

~ HT

P.S. Do you have Microsoft Word on your computer? If so, you must use it! MS Word is your friend! You must LOVE MS Word! If you love MS Word it will love you back. ^.^ It is your friend. It even corrects spelling and punctuation, except that most of the time I have to ignore the grammatical errors because no, MS Word, I don't want that 'and' there! It even has a cute little button where you can look up words and use a thesaurus to mix things up! I have a rule for that though; if I can't pronounce the word without looking at the pronunciation guide, I'm not allowed to use it. :p

Thanks for the info. My downstairs comp with Word is broken right now,so Im stuck on my laptop,which dosent have word. The next chapter will include the proper introduction of Hatter Josephs,his type of hat,his clothing,and the demise of Fedora Helen. Hope you enjoy. I've begun work on it,should be up by tommorow :)

[The Hattertant]

Thanks for the info. My downstairs comp with Word is broken right now,so Im stuck on my laptop,which dosent have word. The next chapter will include the proper introduction of Hatter Josephs,his type of hat,his clothing,and the demise of Fedora Helen. Hope you enjoy. I've begun work on it,should be up by tommorow :)

^_^

I've always wanted to learn about HJ, you know. All I know is that his hat turns into a whip... :)

GASPAGE!!!!

There he is, the Electro Gypsy
In his caravan, it's the future man
See him play a tune upon his Yamaha
A guitar won't do, they are too old school

[Hatter Josephs]

^_^

I've always wanted to learn about HJ, you know. All I know is that his hat turns into a whip... :)

GASPAGE!!!!

There he is, the Electro Gypsy
In his caravan, it's the future man!!!

LOL! Electro Gypsy to the max,my freind. He dosent wear a bowler anymore,well,atleast in this story. He had a bowler,but lost it in a fight with A black imagination stimulant dealer. He got a Top hat after.

Oh

My

Gosh.

I finished part 3. It will be up soon,my freind. I just need to copy it from my notebook onto here :)

[The Hattertant]

LOL! Electro Gypsy to the max,my freind. He dosent wear a bowler anymore,well,atleast in this story. He had a bowler,but lost it in a fight with A black imagination stimulant dealer. He got a Top hat after.

Oh

My

Gosh.

I finished part 3. It will be up soon,my freind. I just need to copy it from my notebook onto here :)

Watch him going door to door
Selling things like lucky heather
Dropping fine electric beats
Wearing trousers made of leather

Yama-Yamaha~~
~~Yama-Yamaha

[Hatter Josephs]

Chapter 3-Hatter Josephs and the demise of Fedora Helen.

Two figures stood in silence,one of them wore a top hat. The other...A fedora. The one with the tophat was a male. His jacket stretched down to his legs,and was black as the night sky. His hat had a blue mark on it. His brown hair hung lightly from under his hat. His black boots were tied,and they made no sounds. Finally,The man,or Hatter Josephs,spoke. He put his hands to the female wearing the fedora's cheeks. "Be quiet,they'll hear us if you keep talking..." Hatter Josephs said. The fedora wearer nodded. She wore a brown outfit,with a pink spot on her hat. "If I die..." She whispered. Hatter Josephs nodded. "I know what to do." He quietly kissed her,and left the place they were in. His coat blew slightly in the wind,drenched by the falling rain. It was night.

Her Imperial Visciousness's Assassins always struck in the dark.

The fedora wearer looked cautiously around,her wrist blades open. They made a slight hum as they rotated. The hum was enough to alert the nearby Card soldiers. A ten card,a 2 card,and two 5 cards opened fire on her. She blocked most of their razor cards with her blades,and ran. She didnt expect the nearby glass eye armed with a whipsnake grenade launcher. It fired a grenade at her feet. She fell to the ground,her whole electrecuted by the wires. The card soldiers stepped into the area,shooting a card each into her to make sure she was dead.
~*~Meanwhile,with our freind Hatter Josephs the next morning~*~

Hatter Josephs had spent a sleepless night traveling to the Alyssian base in the forest. When he arrived,they had grave news for him. They told him about the demise of his beloved,and he pulled off his hat,seemingly examining it. ~I will have my revenge....~ He thought,a tear in his eye.

[Hatter Blade]

The commas, the commas, the commas. You need to put a space after you use a comma. It looks terrible if you don't, and besides, it's wrong.

My favorite sentence is

His coat blew slightly in the wind,drenched by the falling rain.
I like that. Not too much description, but just enough that I can see it. It's perfect. Unfortunately, I don't see a space after that comma, so I take it back; it's not perfect. Sorry. I lied.

I am seeing a lot of choppy sentences. Combine sentences. Don't use third grade sentences. Don't tell us it's night, describe how it's night. Also, don't tell us who the characters are in a sentence, let the characters themselves tell us who they are. They appear to be lovers, and lovers commonly use their names in sentences because they like hearing the sound.

These chapters are short. Make them longer... Hatter Josephs spent the night trekking through the forest, yes, but why did you tell us that? Why didn't you write that? If you add in things like that, you can make it longer. If you had written about him making his way through the woods, perhaps you could have added hidden thoughts and feelings. How does he feel about leaving behind his love? Is he worried? Scared?

You're going to fast, just adding small sentences to sum up actions that could be built upon is bad.

They told him about the demise of his beloved,and he pulled off his hat,seemingly examining it. ~I will have my revenge....~ He thought,a tear in his eye.

You could have done so much better with that. Yes, he's a Milliner, but even Hatter Madigan, of all people, had to take a moment to cry and feel sorry for his loss. However, we can't even feel the characters. There is no character development; you simply must add in more emotions, draw us into the characters. We can't even feel sorry for them when they die, any of them. It's just random killing. No one is going to care about people they don't know. Would you?

Also. Make a new paragraph for each time someone talks.

This needs major improvement, and it has potential to be a good story. Kepp writing. I might come back.

~ Hatter Blade, WW Millinery High-Cut, First Division 1st in Command, [R] C.L.O.C.



P.S. Don't add little sparkly things around a character's thoughts. It's cute, but no. Use italics. Sparkles are for the weak.

[Hatter Josephs]

The commas, the commas, the commas. You need to put a space after you use a comma. It looks terrible if you don't, and besides, it's wrong.

My favorite sentence is

I like that. Not too much description, but just enough that I can see it. It's perfect. Unfortunately, I don't see a space after that comma, so I take it back; it's not perfect. Sorry. I lied.

I am seeing a lot of choppy sentences. Combine sentences. Don't use third grade sentences. Don't tell us it's night, describe how it's night. Also, don't tell us who the characters are in a sentence, let the characters themselves tell us who they are. They appear to be lovers, and lovers commonly use their names in sentences because they like hearing the sound.

These chapters are short. Make them longer... Hatter Josephs spent the night trekking through the forest, yes, but why did you tell us that? Why didn't you write that? If you add in things like that, you can make it longer. If you had written about him making his way through the woods, perhaps you could have added hidden thoughts and feelings. How does he feel about leaving behind his love? Is he worried? Scared?

You're going to fast, just adding small sentences to sum up actions that could be built upon is bad.


You could have done so much better with that. Yes, he's a Milliner, but even Hatter Madigan, of all people, had to take a moment to cry and feel sorry for his loss. However, we can't even feel the characters. There is no character development; you simply must add in more emotions, draw us into the characters. We can't even feel sorry for them when they die, any of them. It's just random killing. No one is going to care about people they don't know. Would you?

Also. Make a new paragraph for each time someone talks.

This needs major improvement, and it has potential to be a good story. Kepp writing. I might come back.

~ Hatter Blade, WW Millinery High-Cut, First Division 1st in Command, [R] C.L.O.C.



P.S. Don't add little sparkly things around a character's thoughts. It's cute, but no. Use italics. Sparkles are for the weak.

Ok...I'll get to work on this....Not really in the best mood right now....

Besides,these are supposed to be short,not long. And I DONT HAVE A WORKING Microsoft word right now,so Im not really working as hard as I should be to make it good..

[Hatter Blade]

Ok...I'll get to work on this....Not really in the best mood right now....

Besides,these are supposed to be short,not long. And I DONT HAVE A WORKING Microsoft word right now,so Im not really working as hard as I should be to make it good..

Microsoft Word? I do not believe in outside... interferences such as those.

[Hatter Josephs]

Thanks again for your critiscism...Im gonna rewrite them tommorow,probably.

[Hatter Blade]

Thanks again for your critiscism...Im gonna rewrite them tommorow,probably.

Don't re-write them. Read them over and over again and learn. Force yourself to confront any mistakes you create and with what you feel you will be able to evolve and excel above others.

[homburgmolly_fan]

Ok...I'll get to work on this....Not really in the best mood right now....

Besides,these are supposed to be short,not long. And I DONT HAVE A WORKING Microsoft word right now,so Im not really working as hard as I should be to make it good..

OK, um...... HJ, please don't get upset. You honestly cannot post a story and expect everyone to fall over in love with it. We do appreciate and enjoy your work very much. But expect crit. And even though we understand that your microsoft word is not working right now, we're just trying to help you along until you DO get a working version. I've been through the same exact thing and it actually really helped my spelling, grammar, and punctuation in the long run. That's all I have to say. Keep working, you're doing great; just remember that we are not critiquing your work because we hate it. If I did not like something I would not even take the TIME to crit it. We are giving you crit because your stories are very good and we want to help you make them better.

PS: Blade is very straightforward. I've... kinda known him for awhile. He really means well, though. So don't worry about him. :)

[Hatter Josephs]

Ok...I've been reading them over again,and now I find im not compelled to write these stories anymore......*Sigh*

Outta stuff,stuck on making names,ripping my head off to fix my computer.

[homburgmolly_fan]

Ok...I've been reading them over again,and now I find im not compelled to write these stories anymore......*Sigh*

Don't quit. As Blade would probably say:

"Quitting is for the weak."


XD

[Hatter Blade]

Ok...I've been reading them over again,and now I find im not compelled to write these stories anymore......*Sigh*

You cannot abandon what you have begun. Potential should be built upon and lessons learned from. Embrace the sighs you breathe and penetrate them through your sorrow, leaving you stronger and hopeful. Never give in to those who are watching.

You must continue.

[Hatter Josephs]

Don't quit. As Blade would probably say:

"Quitting is for the weak."


XD

Yeah,I know. But im killing myself to fix my computer. My dad took his laptop,so im on the blackberry,in my basement. Besides,I'm out of ideas.

[homburgmolly_fan]

Yeah,I know. But im killing myself to fix my computer. My dad took his laptop,so im on the blackberry,in my basement. Besides,I'm out of ideas.

Ideas will come.

Trust me, as someone who's been writing books/plays/poems/stories since FOREVER....


Ideas will come.

[Hatter Josephs]

Chapter 4 is here! Hopefully this will be better then the rest.

Chapter 4-In hiding-Part 1

Crack,Crack,Crack. Black boots walked along the cold grass near the whispering woods. The figure wearing the boots removed his hat, and put it on the ground near a tree. He sat down, and removed a single holo crystal from his pocket. It snapped open, and showed a picture of a woman, wearing a Fedora. The man, Hatter Josephs, hung his head down, and silently sobbed. He knew what he needed to do....he had to find the remaining Miliners, and take them into hiding. Somewhere Redd's Assassins wouldnt think to look.....

~*~

Whomp! An orb generator stretched across the sky, smashing into a wall behind the group of people. They had been holed off there, fighting for their very lives, having to use AD52s, Crystal shooters, and whipsnake grenades instead of their blades and hats. A man, wearing a purple outfit, with a purple cobbler hat rolled across the ally, getting cover behind a trash bin, reloading his AD52. He fired at the Glass eyes, who were silent as the night, except for their weapons. The glass eyes were hit, slicing them into little bits, and crushing the crystals in their eyes. However, when the battle seemed over, there was a stomping sound, like marching soldiers, coming toward the outfit. The figures in the allyway cowered behind their bins. However, as if someone had silenced the world, their marching was stopped. There was the quiet wump,wump,wumpfrom a set of propeller blades. A figure, wearing a black outfit, stepped into the allyway. "Come on..." Hatter Josephs, the figure, said and nodded toward the Smail transport he had captured. He got them in it, and drove it towards the everlasting forest....

I think this is the longest one so far,and maybe even the best. I took all of the crit and used it. I think.

The fact I made them so fast probably leaves you like this picture below.

http://boingboing.net/images/dramatichipmunk.jpg
By the way,I have parts 5-13 writen so far. Im probably only gonna post to 7 today,though.

[The Hattertant]

Chapter 4 is here! Hopefully this will be better then the rest.

Chapter 4-In hiding-Part 1

Crack,Crack,Crack. Black boots walked along the cold grass near the whispering woods. The figure wearing the boots removed his hat, and put it on the ground near a tree. He sat down, and removed a single holo crystal from his pocket. It snapped open, and showed a picture of a woman, wearing a Fedora. The man, Hatter Josephs, hung his head down, and silently sobbed. He knew what he needed to do....he had to find the remaining Milliners, and take them into hiding. Somewhere Redd's Assassins wouldnt think to look.....

~*~

Whomp! An orb generator stretched across the sky, smashing into a wall behind the group of people. They had been holed off there, fighting for their very lives, having to use AD52s, Crystal shooters, and whipsnake grenades instead of their blades and hats. A man, wearing a purple outfit, with a purple cobbler hat rolled across the ally, getting cover behind a trash bin, reloading his AD52. He fired at the Glass eyes, who were silent as the night, except for their weapons. The glass eyes were hit, slicing them into little bits, and crushing the crystals in their eyes. However, when the battle seemed over, there was a stomping sound, like marching soldiers, coming toward the outfit. The figures in the allyway cowered behind their bins. However, as if someone had silenced the world, their marching was stopped. There was the quiet wump,wump,wumpfrom a set of propeller blades. A figure, wearing a black outfit, stepped into the allyway. "Come on..." Hatter Josephs, the figure, said and nodded toward the Smail transport he had captured. He got them in it, and drove it towards the everlasting forest....

I think this is the longest one so far,and maybe even the best. I took all of the crit and used it. I think.

The fact I made them so fast probably leaves you like this picture below.

http://boingboing.net/images/dramatichipmunk.jpg
By the way,I have parts 5-13 writen so far. Im probably only gonna post to 7 today,though.

Ooo, interesting! Getting better every time, HJ.

I don't know what guinea pigs have to do with anything though.

Anyways, I'm glad to see you're improving. Hatter Blade is a prick, so don't let him get you down, okay? Some of the stuff he said in his 'crit' you should pay attention to though, like character development. I see you're trying to do that here, so all you need is practice. Practice makes perfect, but you already knew that. :p

On second note, try to make new paragraphs for things that you want to stand out. Otherwise, if you just have one paragraph for a whole scene, little details get lost and your readers just ends up skimming through it. I'm just going to do a bit of Imaginative writing here to try and show you...



EXAMPLE:

One day Lulu was walking through the Everlasting Forest. She wanted to have lovely picnic with all her forest friends., She carried her little orange picnic basket in her hand and then suddenly a monster popped out! She screamed and ran. The monster was sad because of what she had thought of him. The monster cried and cried because he only wanted someone to play with. The end.

With things like that, you're barely scraping the surface! That sounds more like a brief intro.

CHANGE:

One fine, sunny afternoon, Lulu was innocently strolling through the Everlasting Forest, softly humming a Wonderland tune with her yellow skirt gently brushing the forest brush as she made her way to her favorite picnic spot. As she came upon the spot, a small clearing in the woods, her face brightened up with a smile and she happily bounced into the area; it was peaceful as usual, her one moment of solitude in a world of squabble.

Suddenly, without notice, a furry, beastly wolf leapt in front of her, snarling and growling with fangs bared and fur bristling, spittle flying from its slobbery teeth and its eyes red and bloodshot with murderous intent.

Shocked and trembling, Lulu let out an ear peircing shriek; the monster cringed and covered its ears with furry paws and howled in agony. Still screaming with fright, she took the moment to beat it over the head with the basket; then she took off running back the other way down the well worn path, her skirt blowing out behind her as she crashed through the trees, gasping for air as her heart pounded in her ears.

Behind her, the wolf slowly stood and its bottom lip trembled. He sniffled as he watched her leave.

"I only wanted a playmate," he said miserably.

The trees whispered all around him. "You shouldn't have scared her, Wolfang!"

"B-but I didn't m-mean to!" Wolfang said, breaking into tears. They spilled from his eyes and he shook uncontrollably, sobbing miserably as they ran down his furry face and past his snout.

Perhaps, he thought, I'm just not meant to be nice, and I'm supposed to eat the people.

The end.


So much more feeling is put into that, and hopefully I made you feel sad for Wolfang. And I'm afraid I don't have time to say much more, the vacuum calls for my attention. Gah. Anyways, I hope to see the next parts soon! You post them pretty fast, so just try to look over them and correct and edit and add and do that that nice stuff to make them perfect.

[Hatter Josephs]

Yeah,thanks for more helpful crit Hattertant! I'm going to post part 5 now,as soon as I copy it down.

Chapter 5-In Hiding-Part 2

The Miliner-filled Smail transport drove slowly along the dirty,black,trashfilled road. The transport was a miraculous color of Red. Hatter Josephs had taken off his coat,backpack,blades and hat,and had salavaged an AD52 and a Crystal Shooter from a downed ten card,before finishing him off. They soon arrived at a small tavern. The Miliners opened the back,and Hatter Josephs hopped out. Hatter Josephs looked around the buildings. He primed his weapons as the sounds of metal unfolding like scissors and steady marching was heard from a bit away. The miliners clustered together,and aimed at the incoming glass eyes and card soldiers. They were seemingly glued together,as they only moved in a group. The glass eyes opened fire,and Hatter Josephs responded with a plethora of crystal shot. The Glass eyes were chunked up,crystal visors were flying everywhere,lab grown veins and wires spilled all over. Hatter Joseph's dark outfit flew like the wind as he jumped on a card soldier and jammed a razor card into its kill spot. The Other Miliners,Lucy,Peter,Micheal and Drake,stepped into the cover of a building to get cover to the two young Miliner born children(*Coughcough*Rohinandtock*coughcough*) Josephs followed last,sommersaulting into the window of the building after having salavaged an orb cannon and killing the rest of the soldiers. Josephs sighed,and began to clean his wounds.

[The Hattertant]

I am seeing gradual improvement. However, Professor Hattertant *adjusts glasses LOL* is back with yet another lesson with critique.

Remember to add spaces after those commas. Oh... and I understand that your MS Word is kaput, but my goodness, 'Milliner' is definately spelled with two L's in the middle. You should know that. :)

You're getting the basis down, but you're still just telling us what's going on. Don't tell us, show us. When you write an action, use adverbs! Adverbs are your friend. :) Basically, think about the How, the When, and To What Extent? when you write. I will pull out a sentence for example:


'The Other Miliners,Lucy,Peter,Micheal and Drake,stepped into the cover of a building...'

How did they step into the cover of the building? Did they step quickly, did they step silently? Were they frightened? How did they step? Also regarding that same sentence:


... to get cover to the two young Miliner born children(*Coughcough*Rohinandtock*coughcough*)

Okay. Woah. It is totally fine for you to add in Rohin and Tock, I couldn't care less, they're not really my characters. BUT, it doesn't matter who they are, you cannot simply introduce a character like that in parenthesis with a cough cough. That is not right. Try something creative, like adding a dialogue; don't tell us who they are, show us who they are. Basic lesson I am trying to teach:

Telling is bad.

Showing is good.

Paint us a picture. I don't want to hear it, I want to see it. I can't really explain it very well on how to do that except to use adjectives and adverbs to modify your sentences and enhance the visual... I do understand that different writers have a different style, but all writers paint the picture. I'm not really seeing the picture in your writing. Things are happening, but we are not seeing.

Your variation of adjectives is awesome though. You have splendid word choice. :)

But! You did it again. You wrote one big paragraph. Vary it! Throw on that extra icing, sweeten it up a bit! I heard somewhere that you aren't writing it to be perfect, but that is the whole point of writing! You must try your best! If you don't try your best, you cannot expect anyone to like it. I see you are trying, I know you are trying, and therefore I like it. But knowing that you are not trying your best makes me sad... don't sell yourself short.

I think I covered everything. I sincerely hope to see the next chapter soon. ^.^

~ HT :D

(P.S. I only do this because I WANT you to be better! Unlike SOMEONE wearing an orange top hat who does it just to satisfy his own displeasure. *COUGH*)

[Hatter Josephs]

I am seeing gradual improvement. However, Professor Hattertant *adjusts glasses LOL* is back with yet another lesson with critique.

Remember to add spaces after those commas. Oh... and I understand that your MS Word is kaput, but my goodness, 'Milliner' is definately spelled with two L's in the middle. You should know that. :)

You're getting the basis down, but you're still just telling us what's going on. Don't tell us, show us. When you write an action, use adverbs! Adverbs are your friend. :) Basically, think about the How, the When, and To What Extent? when you write. I will pull out a sentence for example:



How did they step into the cover of the building? Did they step quickly, did they step silently? Were they frightened? How did they step? Also regarding that same sentence:



Okay. Woah. It is totally fine for you to add in Rohin and Tock, I couldn't care less, they're not really my characters. BUT, it doesn't matter who they are, you cannot simply introduce a character like that in parenthesis with a cough cough. That is not right. Try something creative, like adding a dialogue; don't tell us who they are, show us who they are. Basic lesson I am trying to teach:

Telling is bad.

Showing is good.

Paint us a picture. I don't want to hear it, I want to see it. I can't really explain it very well on how to do that except to use adjectives and adverbs to modify your sentences and enhance the visual... I do understand that different writers have a different style, but all writers paint the picture. I'm not really seeing the picture in your writing. Things are happening, but we are not seeing.

Your variation of adjectives is awesome though. You have splendid word choice. :)

But! You did it again. You wrote one big paragraph. Vary it! Throw on that extra icing, sweeten it up a bit! I heard somewhere that you aren't writing it to be perfect, but that is the whole point of writing! You must try your best! If you don't try your best, you cannot expect anyone to like it. I see you are trying, I know you are trying, and therefore I like it. But knowing that you are not trying your best makes me sad... don't sell yourself short.

I think I covered everything. I sincerely hope to see the next chapter soon. ^.^

~ HT :D

(P.S. I only do this because I WANT you to be better! Unlike SOMEONE wearing an orange top hat who does it just to satisfy his own displeasure. *COUGH*)

Thanks again. ^.^. I'm still working on fixing my CPU,so I dont think it will be up by tonight,but im not sure.

~HJ

P.S,Hatter Blade got dissed from the couch last night

[The Hattertant]

Thanks again. ^.^. I'm still working on fixing my CPU,so I dont think it will be up by tonight,but im not sure.

~HJ

P.S,Hatter Blade got dissed from the couch last night


Ah, no problem. I enjoy helping out people with their writing. I learn from it too; I've never actually written down my writing techniques. But I really do that; when I'm writing, for example, I'll read over a sentence and read it, "they bounced down the hallway", then think, "HOW did they bounce..? They bounced... well, scratch that.. They trounced happily down the hallway, the ribbons bobbing in their hair as they squealed and giggled all the way to the pool. wait, did I use trounce right? Gah!"

Hatter Blade is a very silly Milliner, if you think about it.

[Hatter Josephs]

Ah, no problem. I enjoy helping out people with their writing. I learn from it too; I've never actually written down my writing techniques. But I really do that; when I'm writing, for example, I'll read over a sentence and read it, "they bounced down the hallway", then think, "HOW did they bounce..? They bounced... well, scratch that.. They trounced happily down the hallway, the ribbons bobbing in their hair as they squealed and giggled all the way to the pool. wait, did I use trounce right? Gah!"

Hatter Blade is a very silly Milliner, if you think about it.

Hattertant,you have probably been the biggest help in this story. EVER. But I had an idea. While I was swimming today,floating apon a large...well....float,I thought of something. What if we intertwined Hatter Josephs into the Rohin and Tock story? A freind of mine actually thought of something like that on another forum,thats why I thought of it.

Just a thought.

~HJ

[The Hattertant]

Hattertant,you have probably been the biggest help in this story. EVER. But I had an idea. While I was swimming today,floating apon a large...well....float,I thought of something. What if we intertwined Hatter Josephs into the Rohin and Tock story? A freind of mine actually thought of something like that on another forum,thats why I thought of it.

Just a thought.

~HJ

To tell you the truth, I have actually thought about that idea, since you mentioned that you wished it could happen in the Corrupt a Wish! thread. (Yes, I do remember that post.) However, it wouldn't work. I don't know enough about Hatter Josephs to really write him. Rohin and Tock are my thing; Josephs is not. Also, I have not really seen very much development for Josephs to be a character I can feel.

See, when I write a character, I AM that character. I am not Josephs. However, I AM Rohin and Tock; I feel what they feel, I do what they do, I AM them, that is how I can wield those words because I am IN the story. If I write Josephs... well, it wouldn't feel right, because he's your personal character and I do not know what you know about him, and I do not feel what he feels.

[Hatter Josephs]

Hmm. You are right. Like how I could never do anything with Rohin and Tock. Josephs,like The Hattertant,was actually a character in an rp long long ago,right after I had read LGW(2 years ago). I would tell you about him,if you would like to listen.

[Hatter Blade]

(P.S. I only do this because I WANT you to be better! Unlike SOMEONE wearing an orange top hat who does it just to satisfy his own displeasure. *COUGH*)

Hmph. Hatter Josephs will get nowhere with your petty pleasantries, Hattertant.

[The Hattertant]

Hmph. Hatter Josephs will get nowhere with your petty pleasantries, Hattertant.

Well you know what? So far I haven't seen ANY of your writing, so I don't think you have any right to give critique. You sound like you know what you're doing when you write, I'll give you that, but you really have no right. I don't see YOU out here anywhere, showing your writing out to all of us, so I say you go back to your vegetable garden, Mr. Carrot, and contemplate that topsoil until you decide that those potatoes are entirely unaligned.

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Hmm... How about you include Hatter Xavier? He is awesome!!!! Fedora+Whip Transformation=cool!!!


Just a thought.

[The Hattertant]

Hmm... How about you include Hatter Xavier? He is awesome!!!! Fedora+Whip Transformation=cool!!!


Just a thought.

Hm... I don't even know who he is. -_-"

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Hm... I don't even know who he is. -_-"

I have WAYWAYWAYWAYWAYWAYWAY to much free time. :D

[The Hattertant]

I have WAYWAYWAYWAYWAYWAYWAY to much free time. :D

Maybe I shall add in Hatter Blade. He shall make a guest appearance as a bag of Cheetos!

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Maybe I shall add in Hatter Blade. He shall make a guest appearance as a bag of Cheetos!

How is that in any relation to my statement? :confused::confused::confused:

[Hatter Blade]

Maybe I shall add in Hatter Blade. He shall make a guest appearance as a bag of Cheetos!

....You wouldn't dare, not without my consent!! And if you even THINK about adding me into that story...

[homburg_molly_devotee]

....You wouldn't dare, not without my consent!! And if you even THINK about adding me into that story...

... Then you should be honored.

[Hatter Blade]

... Then you should be honored.

Hmph! I daresay that sounds quite displeasureable!

[The Hattertant]

Oh dear me, the Carrot is angered!!! Whatever shall we do! We must face the wrath of the angry carrot! LOOK OUT, here comes the leafy greens to smack us!

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Hmph! I daresay that sounds quite displeasureable!

Prissy, prissy, prissy.. TUT TUT!!!!

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Oh dear me, the Carrot is angered!!! Whatever shall we do! We must face the wrath of the angry carrot! LOOK OUT, here comes the leafy greens to smack us!

NOOOO!!!!! But no worries, I will go to the bathroom and HATTER XAVIER will come out the door! Then he will go in later and I will!

[Hatter Josephs]

Hatter Josephs:*Sigh*

Me:HJ,calm down,dont worry...

Hatter Josephs:*Kills Carrot and makes Hattertant angry*

[homburg_molly_devotee]

I feel so overlooked...

*starts humming Mr. Cellophane morosely*

[Hatter Blade]

Oh dear me, the Carrot is angered!!! Whatever shall we do! We must face the wrath of the angry carrot! LOOK OUT, here comes the leafy greens to smack us!

*seething with anger* I... am not.... A CARROT!!!!!!

[Hatter Josephs]

*seething with anger* I... am not.... A CARROT!!!!!!

Ok,Cheeto. Ill make sure you get nice coverings of cheese every now and then. I have it waiting.

[homburg_molly_devotee]

I feel so overlooked...

*starts humming Mr. Cellophane morosely*

See above text...

[Hatter Blade]

Ok,Cheeto. Ill make sure you get nice coverings of cheese every now and then. I have it waiting.

Grrglglg...!!!!! :mad::mad:

[Hatter Josephs]

Grrglglg...!!!!! :mad::mad:

Oh No! Now I need the hot Cheeto covering! *Goes to store and buys Hot cheeto cheese and splashes on Cheeto* There we go,nice and steamy.

*Turns The Sounds-Crossing the Rubicle cd on*

[homburg_molly_devotee]

See above text...

Sigh... *emo cry*

[Hatter Josephs]

*Makes you not Emo cry*

[homburg_molly_devotee]

*Makes you not Emo cry*

So now answer my pg 4 question.

[Hatter Josephs]

Ehh....Ok. Ill add him cause its an idea.

[Hatter Fan]

hmmmm... is cheeto edible?:p

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Ehh....Ok. Ill add him cause its an idea.

Thanks, but i will post his backstory, so wait till then!

[The Hattertant]

LOL, I like how this thread turned into a 'Tease Hatter Blade!" thread. :D:p:rolleyes:;)

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Thanks, but i will post his backstory, so wait till then!

Here it is! P.S. wordpad is a great sub for word.

[The Hattertant]

Here it is! P.S. wordpad is a great sub for word.

WordPad is not a good substitute because you can't format text in it. It is bleh. (But even if you type it in Word and stick it on the forums, you have to re-format it anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter if you're just going to stick it here anyway. LOL)

I must say, Hatter Xavier is very interesting. (Like all Milliners. They are all awesome. LOL. *cough no carrots cough*)

And okay, I need to make something clear here; I do not mind you using Rohin and Tock in stories because they're not really mine, they are Frank Beddor's (as I have said before). However, you must realize that if you are going by my version of Rohin and Tock (and not the official Rohin and Tock that we don't know anything about), then in HJ's story Rohin is THREE and Tock is NINE. They are widdle kiddies.

I would tell you about them at that age for the sake of you getting it right, but it would be spoilers for TAoRaT, and I cannot do that. If you do write about them, you must realize that what you write will probably be wrong. And if you are wrong, (or right, for that matter) I will not say anything, because I can't say anything.

Just so you know. :) (I know you didn't post anything about them except that Xavier knows them, but I just wanted to make that clear to everyone. LOL, no, I'm not trying to be random. :D)

[homburgmolly_fan]

My goodyness. I have missed a lot in one day.

HJ's stories improving by quite a lot; HB still sticking around as sulky as ever; all of us joining together to declare HB either a carrot or a bag of cheetos.

Sounds like good funness!!! :D

[Hatter Fan]

i think he's a cheeto!http://secondratesnacks.com/images/cheeto.jpg

[homburgmolly_fan]

i think he's a cheeto!http://secondratesnacks.com/images/cheeto.jpg

CHEETO MAN!!!!

[homburg_molly_devotee]

WordPad is not a good substitute because you can't format text in it. It is bleh. (But even if you type it in Word and stick it on the forums, you have to re-format it anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter if you're just going to stick it here anyway. LOL)

I must say, Hatter Xavier is very interesting. (Like all Milliners. They are all awesome. LOL. *cough no carrots cough*)

And okay, I need to make something clear here; I do not mind you using Rohin and Tock in stories because they're not really mine, they are Frank Beddor's (as I have said before). However, you must realize that if you are going by my version of Rohin and Tock (and not the official Rohin and Tock that we don't know anything about), then in HJ's story Rohin is THREE and Tock is NINE. They are widdle kiddies.

I would tell you about them at that age for the sake of you getting it right, but it would be spoilers for TAoRaT, and I cannot do that. If you do write about them, you must realize that what you write will probably be wrong. And if you are wrong, (or right, for that matter) I will not say anything, because I can't say anything.

Just so you know. :) (I know you didn't post anything about them except that Xavier knows them, but I just wanted to make that clear to everyone. LOL, no, I'm not trying to be random. :D)

They will not be main characters, but they will possibly be mentioned. HJ MIGHT be a main character. I will wait until HJ expounds upon him more. You can format in WORDpad. It's NOTEpad where you can't.

[The Hattertant]

They will not be main characters, but they will possibly be mentioned. HJ MIGHT be a main character. I will wait until HJ expounds upon him more. You can format in WORDpad. It's NOTEpad where you can't.

Either way, Hatter Blade is still a Cheeto.

BWAHAHAHAHA

http://www.retroland.com/retrotalk/userfiles/is_cheetos2_070905_ms.jpg

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Either way, Hatter Blade is still a Cheeto.

BWAHAHAHAHA

http://www.retroland.com/retrotalk/userfiles/is_cheetos2_070905_ms.jpg

The gospel truth. :p:p

[Hatter Fan]

Either way, Hatter Blade is still a Cheeto.

BWAHAHAHAHA

http://www.retroland.com/retrotalk/userfiles/is_cheetos2_070905_ms.jpg

yes! you agree with me!:D

[The Hattertant]

yes! you agree with me!:D

Actually, he was originally Mac and Cheese.

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Actually, he was originally Mac and Cheese.

No, Mac n cheese is too healthy!

[Hatter Fan]

lol. yea, and we all know hatter blade is terrible for you.:p

[homburg_molly_devotee]

lol. yea, and we all know hatter blade is terrible for you.:p

Well, he almost killed Hatter Xavier *cough*me*cough*

[Hatter Blade]

Well, he almost killed Hatter Xavier *cough*me*cough*

Hatter Xavier should have known better in the first place.

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Hatter Xavier should have known better in the first place.

The only reason that you are not dead is because of the hattertant.

[Hatter Blade]

The only reason that you are not dead is because of the hattertant.

The only reason you're not dead is because of Hatter Josephs and his cheating ways.

[homburg_molly_devotee]

The only reason you're not dead is because of Hatter Josephs and his cheating ways.

No, remember my cheeky wave and disarming you?

[homburgmolly_fan]

No, remember my cheeky wave and disarming you?

I think Blade chooses to remember only what makes him look good. :p HA, Blade!

[homburg_molly_devotee]

I think Blade chooses to remember only what makes him look good. :p HA, Blade!

Thank you for the support.

[Hatter Fan]

oh, so he dosn't remember that i recently kick his sorry butt? interesting...

[Hatter Josephs]

Here we go,Chapter 6,Enriched with the power of Critisism!

Chapter 6-In Hiding-Part 3-Going Solo

Hatter Josephs had taken his time to regret the loss of his dear beloved,but needed somewhere secret,somewhere away from the remainders of The Milinery. The volcanic plains. Redd would never sight him there. Quickly,he Sped through a looking glass,and went into its crystal continum,f lying through before being reflected out of a lone looking glass. His boots made a cracking sound as he landed. Hatter Josephs pulled out his log of places in wonderland that he would use for future generations of wonderlanders to learn about these places.
"The ground is hard as a rock,even my blades cannot penatrate it. It smells of burnt volcanic ash, and smoke plumes shoot out of the ground at every moment. Fire ignites the sky, along with smoke,nearly hiding the twin wonderland suns. I hear slight movement, probably that of a few jaberwocky near by. This means I must be prepared. Also noting, there is the faint taste of magma in the air, preferably from a lava-hole." Hatter Josephs wrote down. "Finally noting," He continued. "This place would require Lunar Years of survival training to live here..." He finished,and put his log away. He soon found a small shelter made of rock,moving quickly to avoid lava eruption. He sat inside,mediating to remember the past. It was 10 years ago,and Hatter Josephs was only a stray 11 year old Miliner in training. He was weak with HATBOX,and could not manage to complete level W. However,came the one day. When he did.

When he beat the HATBOX.

When he met his dearly beloved.

Hatter Josephs snapped his eyes open,out of meditation. He couldnt bear to remember his beloved after what had happened. However,he did hear something. The sounds of a fight nearby. He looked. Two glass eyes had gotten into a fight with two Alyssian soldiers. Hatter Josephs put his hand into his satchel,and pulled out his Milinery gear. He hopped over sinkholes and smoke plumes to get to the soldiers. When he arrived,one of the soldiers had already been killed. The other was injured,and the glass eyes charged at him. Hatter Josephs quickly sprung, and put his blades out forward. He ripped into the back of one of the Glass eyes,and veins,wires and electricity spurted out like fireworks. It dropped to the ground,dead. The other turned toward Hatter Josephs,and fired its AD52 at him. Hatter Josephs rolled to avoid the cards,and threw off his hat,and unfolded his whip,and sent it whirling towards the Glass eye's neck as lava shot onto his coat. He pulled the whip,and the glass eye choked as the blades dug into his neck. Hatter Josephs pulled,and the head of the Glass Eye shot off,and fiery blood and wires shot out. The Alyssian soldier, however, had died from bleeding out. Hatter Josephs sighed, and put his hat back on. He left the area,his feet clinking against the rocks.

How was that for discription? I hope you liked :D

[The Hattertant]

Here we go,Chapter 6,Enriched with the power of Critisism!

Chapter 6-In Hiding-Part 3-Going Solo

Hatter Josephs had taken his time to regret the loss of his dear beloved,but needed somewhere secret,somewhere away from the remainders of The Milinery. The volcanic plains. Redd would never sight him there. Quickly,he Sped through a looking glass,and went into its crystal continum,f lying through before being reflected out of a lone looking glass. His boots made a cracking sound as he landed. Hatter Josephs pulled out his log of places in wonderland that he would use for future generations of wonderlanders to learn about these places.
"The ground is hard as a rock,even my blades cannot penatrate it. It smells of burnt volcanic ash, and smoke plumes shoot out of the ground at every moment. Fire ignites the sky, along with smoke,nearly hiding the twin wonderland suns. I hear slight movement, probably that of a few jaberwocky near by. This means I must be prepared. Also noting, there is the faint taste of magma in the air, preferably from a lava-hole." Hatter Josephs wrote down. "Finally noting," He continued. "This place would require Lunar Years of survival training to live here..." He finished,and put his log away. He soon found a small shelter made of rock,moving quickly to avoid lava eruption. He sat inside,mediating to remember the past. It was 10 years ago,and Hatter Josephs was only a stray 11 year old Miliner in training. He was weak with HATBOX,and could not manage to complete level W. However,came the one day. When he did.

When he beat the HATBOX.

When he met his dearly beloved.

Hatter Josephs snapped his eyes open,out of meditation. He couldnt bear to remember his beloved after what had happened. However,he did hear something. The sounds of a fight nearby. He looked. Two glass eyes had gotten into a fight with two Alyssian soldiers. Hatter Josephs put his hand into his satchel,and pulled out his Milinery gear. He hopped over sinkholes and smoke plumes to get to the soldiers. When he arrived,one of the soldiers had already been killed. The other was injured,and the glass eyes charged at him. Hatter Josephs quickly sprung, and put his blades out forward. He ripped into the back of one of the Glass eyes,and veins,wires and electricity spurted out like fireworks. It dropped to the ground,dead. The other turned toward Hatter Josephs,and fired its AD52 at him. Hatter Josephs rolled to avoid the cards,and threw off his hat,and unfolded his whip,and sent it whirling towards the Glass eye's neck as lava shot onto his coat. He pulled the whip,and the glass eye choked as the blades dug into his neck. Hatter Josephs pulled,and the head of the Glass Eye shot off,and fiery blood and wires shot out. The Alyssian soldier, however, had died from bleeding out. Hatter Josephs sighed, and put his hat back on. He left the area,his feet clinking against the rocks.

How was that for discription? I hope you liked :D

GASPAGE!!! You have left me stunned with your improvement! I love how you used his logbook writings to describe the place. Excellent use of actions to describe a scene. Wonderful. Just watch those itty commas issues and make sure you have the double 'L' in the middle of 'Milliner'.

I love how you spooned out just an itty bit of information regarding HJ's past; leaves us wanting to know more so we will keep coming back again and again.

You simply must post the next chapter soon. I am extremely happy with your improvement. ^_^ You have made me proud and happy. :D

[Hatter Josephs]

GASPAGE!!! You have left me stunned with your improvement! I love how you used his logbook writings to describe the place. Excellent use of actions to describe a scene. Wonderful. Just watch those itty commas issues and make sure you have the double 'L' in the middle of 'Milliner'.

I love how you spooned out just an itty bit of information regarding HJ's past; leaves us wanting to know more so we will keep coming back again and again.

You simply must post the next chapter soon. I am extremely happy with your improvement. ^_^ You have made me proud and happy. :D

Just doing as you asked me to,My lord. Part 7 should be up soon. You'll like the next few chapters.

[The Hattertant]

Just doing as you asked me to,My lord. Part 7 should be up soon. You'll like the next few chapters.

I am expecting to like them, very, very much. And hey, I'm a Queen here! ^_^

[Hatter Josephs]

Here we go...Doing Chap 7 early.

Chapter 7-In hiding-Part 4

Scissor,scissor,scissor,scissor. The sound of Card Soldiers opening up neared The Volcanic plains. Hatter Josephs had been taking refuge behind a rock. Hatter Josephs pulled out his wrist blades, and sharpened them until they glistened. He pulled out his enemy log book, and opened it quickly. "The Cut's soldiers sound like scissors opening rapidiatly when they open. As I spot them, they march toward me,with extreme speed,and the hieght of two wonderlanders." Hatter Josephs wrote down. He charged into battle, and ripped toward them. His wrist blades jammed into the first soldier's chest, cutting his inner circutry apart, fiery blood shot out of the soldier's chest, as he bled. Hatter Josephs threw his hat off, and the tip blade smashed into the second soldier's chest. He mentally noted things down. They feel like wonderland steel, only stronger. I hope I dont get to expierience the taste... He thought, and moved quickly. Three more soldiers waited. One fired an orb generator, fiery white streaks surfed over his head as he ducked. Hatter Josephs then made quick work of them, flinging three daggers out,and piercing their chests. Hatter Josephs sat back down on another rock, thinking back again.

The day he had gotten his very first hat, The Bowler. He had used it to stop the remaining black imagination followers. He sniffed the air, smelling burnt steel as he did. He then remembered when he had lost his hat, how he had to EXPLAIN to Miss Hado what had happened. He chuckled at the thought, and stood back up,salavaging some of the weapons from the card soldiers. He left the area, going back through the looking glass.

This is the final chapter for tonight,my freinds :D

[The Hattertant]

Here we go...Doing Chap 7 early.

Chapter 7-In hiding-Part 4

Scissor,scissor,scissor,scissor. The sound of Card Soldiers opening up neared The Volcanic plains. Hatter Josephs had been taking refuge behind a rock. Hatter Josephs pulled out his wrist blades, and sharpened them until they glistened. He pulled out his enemy log book, and opened it quickly. "The Cut's soldiers sound like scissors opening rapidiatly when they open. As I spot them, they march toward me,with extreme speed,and the hieght of two wonderlanders." Hatter Josephs wrote down. He charged into battle, and ripped toward them. His wrist blades jammed into the first soldier's chest, cutting his inner circutry apart, fiery blood shot out of the soldier's chest, as he bled. Hatter Josephs threw his hat off, and the tip blade smashed into the second soldier's chest. He mentally noted things down. They feel like wonderland steel, only stronger. I hope I dont get to expierience the taste... He thought, and moved quickly. Three more soldiers waited. One fired an orb generator, fiery white streaks surfed over his head as he ducked. Hatter Josephs then made quick work of them, flinging three daggers out,and piercing their chests. Hatter Josephs sat back down on another rock, thinking back again.

The day he had gotten his very first hat, The Bowler. He had used it to stop the remaining black imagination followers. He sniffed the air, smelling burnt steel as he did. He then remembered when he had lost his hat, how he had to EXPLAIN to Miss Hado what had happened. He chuckled at the thought, and stood back up,salavaging some of the weapons from the card soldiers. He left the area, going back through the looking glass.

This is the final chapter for tonight,my freinds :D

^_^

Quite interesting, as always. Keep up the good work... and remember; don't let yourself be beaten by those commas! :)

Looking forward to tomorrow's chapters...

[Hatter Josephs]

I've had a few ideas...

After we end the Milinery chapter,which will end on chapter 15,I'm gonna go into the Milinery now,and in the future. You like that idea?

[The Hattertant]

I've had a few ideas...

After we end the Milinery chapter,which will end on chapter 15,I'm gonna go into the Milinery now,and in the future. You like that idea?

Yes, I think it sounds interesting. Transitioning from the past into the present... ^_^

[Hatter Josephs]

Just a quick question,Hattertant,are you a girl or a boy? You dont need to tell me if you dont want to.

[The Hattertant]

Just a quick question,Hattertant,are you a girl or a boy? You dont need to tell me if you dont want to.

I'm a girl! ^_^ My username is nothing less than a roleplaying name. :D

[Hatter Josephs]

Bwa. Hatter Josephs was a character in a roleplay long ago. He was a noble Milliner who was a hero during Redd's rule :D

[Hatter Josephs]

I have some news!

Good news:I'm posting chapter 8 right now,early.

Bad news:This will probably be the only one for today.

Chapter 8-In hiding-Conclusion

Whomp! Hatter Josephs shot through a looking glass, surfing along the crystal continum. A battalion of 10 glass eyes surfed toward him. The smell of freshly fired orbs fill the air....I can feel the smooth crystal roof of the continum. Vibrant greens surround me completly, aside from the glass eyes. I can taste slight blood from the last fight, where I was hit in the mouth....
Hatter Josephs thought as he surfed along the continum. He looked back. They were still gaining,seven of them were holding crystal shooters. Hatter Josephs pulled his hat off, and threw it. It turned into a whip, and Hatter Josephs wrapped it around a Glass Eye's leg, pulling him in, and using him as a sheild to block the incoming crystal. He then cut a hole in the Glass Eye, and wires shot out. He tossed the Glass eye into the others, and created a whipsnake grenade affect. The other 6 glass eyes shut down. The final 3 surfed toward Hatter Josephs,who grabbed his whip and wrapped it around one glass eye. It had an AD52. He grabbed its hand, and fired the AD52 at the other two, before slitting its neck. He tossed it away,and finally was reflected out of a looking glass in the Alyssian base. He sighed. It was night, rain was pouring down. Hatter Josephs sat in a small house in the Alyssian base, and looked at the white heart that had been added to his Miliner jacket. He was a true Alyssian.

End of Chapter 3,hope you like!

[Hatter Blade]

Does Josephs really think like that, or are you altering his thoughts for the sake of adding in description?

Don't be cliché with how you add in your descriptions. Though I doubt you'll listen to me, I do indeed know what I'm talking about. Figure out some different ways to stick in your descriptions.

[The Hattertant]

Does Josephs really think like that, or are you altering his thoughts for the sake of adding in description?

Don't be cliché with how you add in your descriptions. Though I doubt you'll listen to me, I do indeed know what I'm talking about. Figure out some different ways to stick in your descriptions.

Oh come on, Blade! You always say you know what you're talking about when it comes to writing, but we haven't even seen any of your writing! If you think you're good enough to give critique in the manner that you do, then show us your writing. Although I do admire your straightforwardness, giving critique using the voice you use isn't good at all; the only thing that people are going to see is the hostility itself and they won't pay attention to your critique. Apparently, you seem to know this, so I really don't understand what you're trying to do. I will say that you've done an excellent job at confusing me.

[Hatter Blade]

Oh come on, Blade! You always say you know what you're talking about when it comes to writing, but we haven't even seen any of your writing! If you think you're good enough to give critique in the manner that you do, then show us your writing. Although I do admire your straightforwardness, giving critique using the voice you use isn't good at all; the only thing that people are going to see is the hostility itself and they won't pay attention to your critique. Apparently, you seem to know this, so I really don't understand what you're trying to do. I will say that you've done an excellent job at confusing me.

Oh really.

Well, I just might have to take you up on that offer. I write just as well as you do, Hattertant, so I don't have anything to fear from you. Heh heh. How beneficial.

[The Hattertant]

Oh really.

Well, I just might have to take you up on that offer. I write just as well as you do, Hattertant, so I don't have anything to fear from you. Heh heh. How beneficial.

You've suddenly gotten me interested in seeing your writing style. :D

[Hatter Josephs]

Huh...It seems Hatter Blade has insulted my style of writing. Tsk,Tsk,Tsk.

*Throws off hat and makes whip around Blade's neck*

[Hatter Josephs]

Chapter 9! I've been working on this part for a while now.

Chapter 9-The Glass eye project-Part 1

Queen Redd Heart was in an outrage when she heard all of her soldiers had been killed by one mysterious figure. "HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!" She yelled. He had even managed to take one of The Cat's lives. The Cat hissed. Redd used her imagination to fuse the 70 glass eyes in the room together,and they became one huge glass eye,wearing a hooded cloak,and holding a scythe of pure imagination. "Find this figure....and kill him. Twist,cut,chop,slice,shoot off his head,and bring it to me!" Redd yelled. The humongous glass eye nodded,and disapeered.

Meanwhile

Hatter Josephs walked slowly in the Valley of Mushrooms. He went here whenever he needed to be calmed. It smelled nice,and the translucent colors of mushrooms were calming as he walked. He heard nothing but silence...and the sound of something slicing through mushrooms. He turned to see a lumbering glass eye walking toward him,chopping down the mushrooms. Hatter Josephs removed his hat,and thought about the glass eyes he had seen before,nothing like this.

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Chapter 9! I've been working on this part for a while now.

Chapter 9-The Glass eye project-Part 1

Queen Redd Heart was in an outrage when she heard all of her soldiers had been killed by one mysterious figure. "HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!" She yelled. He had even managed to take one of The Cat's lives. The Cat hissed. Redd used her imagination to fuse the 70 glass eyes in the room together,and they became one huge glass eye,wearing a hooded cloak,and holding a scythe of pure imagination. "Find this figure....and kill him. Twist,cut,chop,slice,shoot off his head,and bring it to me!" Redd yelled. The humongous glass eye nodded,and disapeered.

Meanwhile

Hatter Josephs walked slowly in the Valley of Mushrooms. He went here whenever he needed to be calmed. It smelled nice,and the translucent colors of mushrooms were calming as he walked. He heard nothing but silence...and the sound of something slicing through mushrooms. He turned to see a lumbering glass eye walking toward him,chopping down the mushrooms. Hatter Josephs removed his hat,and thought about the glass eyes he had seen before,nothing like this.

1: why use figure twice? Slightly cliche

2: How bout "a huge glass eye lumbering towards him" rather than "a lumbering glass eye walking toward him." Just a thought.

[Hatter Josephs]

Are you talking about HJ being used twice? He is like,the Main Character here.

And I wrote this when I was sick,thats why it isnt so good.

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Are you talking about HJ being used twice? He is like,the Main Character here.

And I wrote this when I was sick,thats why it isnt so good.

No, just that wording. use person then figure or vice versa.

[homburgmolly_fan]

No, just that wording. use person then figure or vice versa.

Yuupers. True dat.

[homburg_molly_devotee]

Yuupers. True dat.

Thanks for the support.

[Hatter Josephs]

I agree with you two. Thanks for the info.