I know I know....

[Alyss of Wonderland]

I really shouldn't be posting on this website for this since it has nothing to do with LGW, but I don't have enough people otherwise.

I've been writing a fairytale the past couple weeks and now I need people to edit it. I had my mom, dad and sister read it, but they didn't do any marks to it at all. I want my friend to read it, but she takes awhile and might not give it back to me by the time it's due. So, I came here, and I want to ask you guys if you'd want to read it. If you guys don't, just go ahead and let this thread die. If you guys do, I'll type it up (at least try to since my dad's been home, hogging the computer) in the next couple of days. I would very much appreciate it if you all said sure! *puppy eyes* Pretty please???

[Fendora Asrea]

I really shouldn't be posting on this website for this since it has nothing to do with LGW, but I don't have enough people otherwise.

I've been writing a fairytale the past couple weeks and now I need people to edit it. I had my mom, dad and sister read it, but they didn't do any marks to it at all. I want my friend to read it, but she takes awhile and might not give it back to me by the time it's due. So, I came here, and I want to ask you guys if you'd want to read it. If you guys don't, just go ahead and let this thread die. If you guys do, I'll type it up (at least try to since my dad's been home, hogging the computer) in the next couple of days. I would very much appreciate it if you all said sure! *puppy eyes* Pretty please???

Well I'm not the worlds best editer but, I'll take a crack at it! My email

we_hate_junk@hotmail.com

and feel free to email me about anything! :D

[Hatter Justice]

I really shouldn't be posting on this website for this since it has nothing to do with LGW, but I don't have enough people otherwise.

I've been writing a fairytale the past couple weeks and now I need people to edit it. I had my mom, dad and sister read it, but they didn't do any marks to it at all. I want my friend to read it, but she takes awhile and might not give it back to me by the time it's due. So, I came here, and I want to ask you guys if you'd want to read it. If you guys don't, just go ahead and let this thread die. If you guys do, I'll type it up (at least try to since my dad's been home, hogging the computer) in the next couple of days. I would very much appreciate it if you all said sure! *puppy eyes* Pretty please???

im pretty good at editing (spellcheck)

[homburgmolly_fan]

I really shouldn't be posting on this website for this since it has nothing to do with LGW, but I don't have enough people otherwise.

I've been writing a fairytale the past couple weeks and now I need people to edit it. I had my mom, dad and sister read it, but they didn't do any marks to it at all. I want my friend to read it, but she takes awhile and might not give it back to me by the time it's due. So, I came here, and I want to ask you guys if you'd want to read it. If you guys don't, just go ahead and let this thread die. If you guys do, I'll type it up (at least try to since my dad's been home, hogging the computer) in the next couple of days. I would very much appreciate it if you all said sure! *puppy eyes* Pretty please???

I'd be more than glad to take a look at it. =)

[ReadingChick]

Same here. But you could have put this in the Authors Only (http://www.lookingglasswars.com/forums/showthread.php?t=473) thread. That is what it's there for.

Also, you might want to specify how much feedback you want, because I have been known to tear things apart at the seams.

[SkyDancer]

Can you give us an outline of what its about?

[Alyss of Wonderland]

Same here. But you could have put this in the Authors Only (http://www.lookingglasswars.com/forums/showthread.php?t=473) thread. That is what it's there for.

Also, you might want to specify how much feedback you want, because I have been known to tear things apart at the seams.

Oh... I shall remember that if I have another paper!!! Mmmm... I would love as much feedback as I can get, but I'm a little scared if you rip things at the seams... (I guess I'll just have to suck it up!)


Can you give us an outline of what its about?

It's about a princess who has just turned 16 and has to marry a prince. She's rebellious and decides to run away instead of marrying, but the prince follows her and tries to get her back home.

It's a very quick story, but it's meant to be quite longer, so the ending might feel rushed and some things are out of place (but that's what editors are for!!)

[Alyss of Wonderland]

Alright, here it goes!

Today was my sixteenth birthday. Wonderful. All the kingdoms had this rule that the neighboring Princes and Princesses would get married when they turned sixteen. But I wouldn't be one of those, get dressed, go to parties, eat like a mouse, and stay glued to her husband's side type of girls. I was going to be an explorer. And today I planned to tell my father.

The party decorations were impeccable as I walked down the staircase ungracefully in my wedding/birthday dress. My father was across the ballroom, consulting a painter about my fifty foot mural. I stomped over there, preparing my speech to him in the most rebellious way. Ten more steps and I'd be face to face. I was going to do this. Five more steps and I'd be face to face. Oh God, I'm really doing this. Two more steps and I"d be face to face. Oh no, what am I doing?!

"Yes my beautiful, darling, princess?" My father asked me as I reached his side.

Oh no. The speech! I'd forgotten every line, every word, every letter! Why was I standing next to my father again? All that kept flashing through my mind was the word 'No' and... horses.

"Darling? What's wrong? Don't you like your decorations?"

I freaked, and all I heard was my echos of, "No!" through the halls as I began running to my dungeon of a room.

"Just pre-party jitters," my father assured the painter.

I slammed my door and ran to my bed. How could I mess this up?! I planned it all! As I sighed I thought of all the horrible things that would end up happening. A huge empty castle of my own with my idiot of a prince who's only talent is singing, tall gates and stone walls blocking all exits, and, eww, I could just picture the insanely tight dresses with the freakishly large sleeves ALL the time. Yuck. I had to make a break for it, but how? My dad was downstairs, and there was no way I was going to just walk out the front door. As I clutched my blanket, I realized Plan B was underneath me all along!

I was living on edge as I climbed downward on my makeshift ladder. I just hoped my blankets could stand my weight. My toes reached the ground, the sweet sweet earthy ground. With grass! It was so hard not to slow down, I just had to run free! This day, this wonderful day, was the first day I'd ever stepped out of the castle. I breathed my first breath of air as I looked to the sky. My life was going to be wonderful.

"Princess! P-Princess Ella! Come back!"

I turned to see who had interrupted my splendid, well thought out dream, only to find him. My husband to be.

"Prince Chivalry, leave me alone!" I screamed back at him.

"B-but Princess! We're to be married in an hour!"

'Heck no I'm not,' I thought to myself, and continued to walk in the opposite direction.

"Princess Ella! Wait for me!"

Oh God no! I'd have to find a way to ditch him.

"Hey, didn't you have to go somewhere to get your suit?"

"Already got it!" he exclaimed,"I'm one step ahead of the game."

Ugh. Why'd he have to get married to me? Why couldn't he get married to my friend of the White family? I knew she was going to turn sixteen in a week.

"So, where are we going?" he asked.

"I am going to settle some affairs with the other neighboring kingdom, but I don't know where you're going."

Prince Chivalry slowed his pace a little, but regained his speed when he found his comeback.

"Your majesty, the King has already sent out invitations, so there is no need to go to... wherever you were going."

I rolled my eyes. He just doesn't understand when someone wanted to be alone.

It took forever to reach the royal stables, but I got there, evil little nincompoop behind me.

As I jumped on my horse, Sidekick (don't ask me why I named my horse that, I was ten when I got him), the chicken asked me another stupid question.

"Are we going to actually ride horses?!"

"Well, duh, I am," I answered a little perturbed.

"Oh. Alright," he said as he turned his back.

Was he leaving? Finally?! Just as I turned around to check, my heart raced. He was getting a horse. Cinder no less. Cinder was an old horse who never liked anyone riding him. But I had to stay and watch the guy.

His strategy was very interesting. Especially since he didn't have a saddle. After ten minutes or so of watching him stumbling, I decided to leave. I didn't want to babysit a grown man so I was out of there.

Sidekick grunted and whined as we trotted down the hill.

"Yeah, he is a dork," I responded.

The hills were a nice, lush green, and the wind felt wonderful on my back. I made Sidekick stop for a moment so I could get off and properly take in the scenery. The sweet smell of corn reached my nose and twisted around my tongue. I didn't eat breakfast today. I took Sidekick's reins and walked with him over the hills, through the fields, and across too many bridges to count. Where was a medieval diner when you needed one? As Sidekick and I were about to collapse over the next hill, we saw it. Heaven. Food! I couldn't tell you how fast I ran, I just know I got there. I tied Sidekick to the trough, and ran inside. The seats were empty.

Spectacular! No one would be able to know who I was because no one was there! I sat in a booth toward the back, grabbing a menu off the counter.

"What can I get'cha?" a raspy, old woman's voice said as I looked over the menu.

"How's the apple pie?" I asked, a little curious.

"Only the finest in all the kingdom," she said as if she's repeated herself five hundred times.

"I guess I'll have that then."

I handed over the menu, afraid to look into her eyes. What if she was evil? She could end up giving me poisoned apple pie! Crap. Apparently I don't think things through. Just like a princess.

She came out with my pie, fresh from the mud oven and went back behind the counter. I let it sit there the whole time, not wanting to risk my life over pie. I heard the bell 'ding!' above the door. I froze. It better not be him. I looked up slowly, only to find a couple of men in shining armor sitting at the counter. I bet one of them was White's future husband. Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous. Now Chivalry should learn a lesson or two from these manly men.

Speak of the devil.

The bell above the door 'ding'ed again, but this time I knew it was him.

"My princess!" He gasped as he ran across the diner.

The men in armor turned to look at me.

"My blushing bride!" He said as he approached me and knelt on one knee.

"My butter-," he began.

"SHUT UP!" I screamed, interrupting him. My face was bursting into flames. I heard the men at the counter chuckle and stare at me.

"You too!" I shouted, pointing at them. They stopped.

I marched up to them, ready to kick them in their shins.

"Do you have a problem?!"

"Why no miss," one of them said in their hunky accent. Hold it together Ella.

"Why would we have a problem?" another asked,"he's your future husband!"

"Oh you think he's my husband do you? Well for your information, he's not! I'm not getting married to this idiot who doesn't even know how to get on a horse!"

There was silence for a second when all of a sudden, bursts of laughter came booming.

"That lad right there," began one man, almost falling to the floor laughing, "doesn't know how to ride a horse?! BAHHHAH!"

"What's your name son?" asked another, hitting his knees and gasping for air.

"I am Prince Chivalry of the neighboring kingdom. I'm to wed Princess Ella for she has finally turned sixteen," he replied with so much pride as he could keep.

"Chivalry?! You can't even ride a horse!" said the final man as the other man fell to the floor gut busting, eyes watering.

I glanced back at Chivalry, thinking he was standing tall and proud like a prince would be, but he was far from acting princely. He was looking at his shoes, playing with his fingers, a little sniffle here and there.

Oh no. My heart. Gah, I just had to reach out to him. Ugh, a princess duty.

"C'mon Chivalry. Let's get out of here," I said as I escorted him out the back door, leaving the loud obnoxious, gorgeous, handsome, beautiful men.

We started to walk to our horses when I heard a few more sniffs from him.

"What's the matter?" I asked, not concerned in the least bit.

"Do-do you really feel that way about me?"

He finally understands! But I can't leave him here crying.

"Chivalry, you-you bother me sometimes." More like all the time.

"What do I do?"

"Uhh, I dunno, it's just little things, like, how you sing."

"I shall get singing lessons then!" He announced with more pride. I guess he's really easy to convince.

"Now off to the castle! We have a wedding to go to," he said as we approached the horses.

"Oh no little boy. I'm still going off to do my thing."

All he could do was stare at me as I got on Sidekick and started trotting away.

"Wait!" He shrieked.

"What now?!" I turned, frustrated with the constant feeling of being trapped. When I saw him. He was on Cinder, with a saddle, sitting tall and- hard to say it but- he looked handsome.

"Ready when you are," he said as he approached my side.

My face was burning. Was I seriously blushing?! And why was he so compassionate towards me when I was mean to him? I seriously wanted to do this alone, but there wasn't a way to stop Chivalry without breaking his heart. I didn't want to be evil, y'know?

We galloped over the hills and across bridges, finally reaching the border of my father's kingdom. Where we were going, I wasn't sure. Okay, so I said I had some business to take care of, but that was just a cover.

[Alyss of Wonderland]

I just wanted to be out in the open. Alone.

"Your move Princess."

My move what? All we could do was go straight!

"Forward," I shrugged.

The Prince's smile faded.

"But, we'll miss the wedding," he said as he pointed back.

"You can go by yourself, I'm going forward. Tell them whatever you want, I don't care. Marry some other girl."

I galloped off, not caring if he followed me or not. Well, preferably not. I looked back to see- he wasn't there. When I turned forward though, he was way farther than me, waiting for me.

"How'd you-?" I asked when I reached him.

"There was a trail that looked much safer."

He was right, there was a trail. But I prefer adventure over safety anyway.

"This sign says to go this way," he pointed toward a forest.

"I can read y'know," I stated as we continued on the path.

The walk was silent, much to my joy, but it was awkward. Chivalry was behind me, and I could just feel his eyes running up and down my back. I turned abruptly, only to see him looking at the sky with a sudden interest.

"Were you-?" I began to question.

"Was I what?" he asked, acting as if he didn't do a thing.

"Never mind."

I turned back around, trying to avoid the shrubbery and trunks of fallen trees when I felt it again.

I turned to face him so fast, I lost my balance and fell on the forest floor. I don't know how I did it, but one minute I was looking at Sidekick's mane, the next, the open sky.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!" Chivalry exclaimed, jumping off the horse and running to my side.

Oh no. Sir Overdramatic was here. I laid on the floor, perfectly fine, waiting for my attendant to arrive.

"I'm fine," I said blandly when he knelt by my side. I tried to get up, but he pushed me down.

"I must make sure, stay as still as possible."

I did as I was told (reluctantly) as he inspected my legs and feet.

"You look fine," he said as he reached my eye sight.

Wow. His eyes were BLUE. Like, really blue. And his black hair looked so soft, with the sunlight pouring on it. And his hands, so strong and- what was I saying?!

"Can you help me up?"

I reached my hand out, expecting him to take it, but then I began to float. Wait- he picked me up! Like a stinkin' princess of course. I looked at his face, stunned. His white teeth shone brightly, blinding me and his black hair became entwined with my fingers as I held onto the back of this neck. He smelled amazing: fresh hay with a splash of morning dew and a hint of strawberry. We were looking eye to eye for so long. What time was it?

"Princess?" He broke the silence.

"Y-yes?" I stammered. Oh boy. I was blushing.

"Would you like me to let you down?"

Apparently I was holding onto his neck preventing me from standing on my own feet.

"Yes, yes I would."

He set me down gently, but I just didn't want to let go. How could I fall in love this fast with a man- a Prince- I hated that morning?

"Princess?" He asked, interrupting my daydream.

"Yes?" I didn't stammer!

"You're hurting my neck."

"Oh," I said as I let go," I didn't realize."

He smiled and mounted Cinder. I sighed, not knowing what to do but approach Sidekick. As I got on, Chivalry looked at me and made one of the best smiles I've ever seen. A truthful, sincere smile.

"Ready?" he asked as an eyebrow flicked up, pushing me on.

I gave him my equally charming smile and raced away watching him behind me trying to keep up. The wind was rushing in my ears and I couldn't hear anything but the galloping hooves and our screams of laughter. Prince Chivalry was beside me (how Cinder could do that, I have no idea) and we looked at each other, smiling away. My jaw was starting to hurt so I had to look away to stop the pain. That's when I saw the lake. I halted Sidekick, hoping Chivalry would do the same, but it was too late. Cinder got the idea, but Chivalry went flying in the air and crashed into the lake. I trotted up slowly, not knowing if he'd be angry.

"Ha ha!" I heard him laugh and splash.

I dismounted the horse and walked up to the waters edge.

"Hey Ella, come in!" He was splishing and splashing, all the way in the middle of the lake.

"A Princess doesn't swim with her clothes on!" Let's see what he said about that.

He sprayed out water from his mouth then said, "Who cares?! Just have some fun! I know you can!"

Gosh darn it that smile.

"Turn around!" I yelled, making sure that message would reach his ears. When I saw the back of his head, I began to release my top layer of clothing and revealed my underclothes. I jumped in as best I could since the only body of water I'd ever been in before was in my tub.

When he heard my splash he came swimming as I struggled to keep my head up. Swimming didn't seem that hard until I tried, but it was something I had to- no, wanted to learn. Prince Chivalry didn't seem to have much trouble though.

"Do you need help?"

"No," I gurgled as my head bobbed above the water.

I soon felt his hands at my side, holding me up.

"It's like dancing. Wild dancing. Just kick your legs quickly and use your arms like you're trying to jump out."

It took a little bit, but his swimming lessons were working. I became a fish of the lake and didn't want to leave until my skin hideously wrinkled on my fingers. The sun was pure gold in the sky, showing the horizon of trees and adventure beyond. Hold on a second. Sunset?! I scrambled to the edge of the lake, trying to pull myself up when I felt a shove from the bottom of my butt.

"We're going to be late my princess," Chivalry said as he lifted himself up out of the water.

Woah. Who would've thought Prince Chivalry- the Prince who couldn't get on a horse- had muscles. His wet shirt was plastered to his skin, showing small mountains on his arms. Wait a second, why'd he fake getting on Cinder at the stables? I glared at him skeptically and asked.

Embarrassment was written across his face as he said,"I thought you wanted the sheltered Prince who didn't like being outside the castle. But when I saw you looking at the men in the diner, I kind of figured you were into the men who liked adventure. I like adventure Ella, you can trust me on that. Now come on, lets go up to the castle, it'll be dark before long."

"I told you, I'm not going, I just need to find somewhere else to-"

That's when it happened. The kiss. The kiss meant for our wedding. True love's first kiss.

He cradled my neck as I held onto his, not wanting to break the embrace. It was sweet and mind blowing. It was unexpected, yet I sort of longed for it to happen. It felt exactly how it was described through the books of love and happily ever after. Sparks flew as I opened my eyes to Prince Chivalry. A change had come over me as the laws of "Happily Ever After" took place and a love for him swallowed me. He was my Prince and I never wanted him to be with any other Princess.

"Shall we leave for our wedding?" He asked, voice like honey.

"O-okay," I stuttered, completely forgetting about my plans of escape.

We walked, with the sun setting slowly behind us, planning to enter the castle and become man and wife forever, never to return to the outside for some time, and live happily ever after.

Well, I still want to explore, but we'll see what happens.

[SkyDancer]

What time area is this set in?

[The Hattertant]

oooooooooooooh. I like it. It makes me laugh inside my little head. ^.^

at some points I wish there was a ltitle more description, but I almost always wish that. LOL. I do really love the voice I'm hearing portrayed in the story. the narration. that's what makes it amusing. =D

my authoress part of me also tells be that the fact that the Princess falsl in love with the Prince despite not liking him is also a bit of a cliche and was almost to be expected. I don't really mind though. I'm a patient reader, because I try to understand what writers go through by looking back at what I go through to produce my own work. and I don't enjoy slamming people because they went through all that hard work to produce something for our entertainment. I've seen that, where they work so hard and are proud of it and then it's slammed. I mean, crap is crap, but sometimes you just gotta shut up.

but that really has nothing much to do here, that's just me ranting about how strongly I feel about people smashing the work of those who tried. I is going to be quiet little HT now. XP

anyways. Alyss of Wonderland. I enjoyed your story very much. ^_^ thank you for sharing it with us! I every much look forward to more. =) I cherish every smile I have and this story contributes to my smile count. so keep writing.

[ReadingChick]

This is pretty good from a technical perspective (except for the 'who's' instead of 'whose' in the eighth paragraph. Remember, 'who's' is always short for 'who is'), but I'm having real trouble reconciling your character with her background. Her use of modern slang is quite jarring in the setting you've given your story. Especially when none of the other characters speak like she does.

On a very specific note:


Where was a medieval diner when you needed one?

No one refers to their own setting as medieval. What we consider the medieval period was modern for the people who inhabited it. The 'Middle Ages' shifts according the perspective of the century you're viewing it from. In a few centuries, this will probably be the Middle Ages to humanity.

I'm not sure how much time you've got before you have to hand this in, so...I'll leave my comments at this. If you want me to expand, let me know.

[Alyss of Wonderland]

I'M EXTREMELY SORRY I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO RESPOND YOU GUYS!! My mom & dad have been hoging the computer, so I have to write all of this on my iPod..... It's really hard.... But anyways!

What time area is this set in?
I was imagining it to take place in a time that didn't quite exist, but would be considered the Medival Times. I pictured it like a Disney 2-D animation Princess movie ... If that's what you were asking...

[Alyss of Wonderland]

oooooooooooooh. I like it. It makes me laugh inside my little head. ^.^

at some points I wish there was a ltitle more description, but I almost always wish that. LOL. I do really love the voice I'm hearing portrayed in the story. the narration. that's what makes it amusing. =D

my authoress part of me also tells be that the fact that the Princess falsl in love with the Prince despite not liking him is also a bit of a cliche and was almost to be expected. I don't really mind though. I'm a patient reader, because I try to understand what writers go through by looking back at what I go through to produce my own work. and I don't enjoy slamming people because they went through all that hard work to produce something for our entertainment. I've seen that, where they work so hard and are proud of it and then it's slammed. I mean, crap is crap, but sometimes you just gotta shut up.

but that really has nothing much to do here, that's just me ranting about how strongly I feel about people smashing the work of those who tried. I is going to be quiet little HT now. XP

anyways. Alyss of Wonderland. I enjoyed your story very much. ^_^ thank you for sharing it with us! I every much look forward to more. =) I cherish every smile I have and this story contributes to my smile count. so keep writing.
Description is difficult for me. I've made stories in the past with LOADS of description, and they turned out crap.... They were so boring with the over detail.

It was a pretty cliched story, but I didn't really want it to be this short. I had a different ending in mind from the beginning, but it involves a long storyline that I'll have to write on my own time. :)

Thank you for reading and your feedback helps a lot.

(Sorry this is going to be a triple post but my iPod won't let me scroll inside the text box!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!)

[Alyss of Wonderland]

Oh nos!!! I've made a mistake I hate making!!! Lol well, thank you for spotting that and hopefully I'll remember that when I write other things!

As for the diner, I'm not sure how to change it so people will still know about what time period the story's set in and won't sound misplaced.

I'd be happy to have more help on this since I have to put it on hold to finish up the poetry section by the end of this week (AHH!!), and if you guys would like to read/revise my poem, I could try and post it (in the right thread this time!) if I ever get a chance to get on the computer.

THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH YOU GUYS!!!!!

[ReadingChick]

As for the diner, I'm not sure how to change it so people will still know about what time period the story's set in and won't sound misplaced.

Try 'inn'. Or 'wayhouse'. Same thing, correct term for the time period.

I'll give your story another read over and come up with some more organized comments in a short while.

[ReadingChick]

Alright, here we go, and apologies for the double post:

Characters

Princess Ella would make so much more sense if she’d been time-travel’d/portal’d to this setting. She is very much the modern Western girl. Since cultures that have arranged marriages tend to have fairly strict rules of conduct and very high standards of social propriety for their girls, there has to be a reason she expresses her rebellion this way. Did her father treat her as he might a son for the early years of her life? Did her parents let her run wild among the servants and the lower classes for some reason? Was she raised outside the castle? Was it believed that she wouldn’t live to this age, due to a childhood illness or something, and no one bothered to discipline her/instruct her in the proper behavior of a lady? Also, what are the responsibilities that she’s bucking by running away? Does those abandoned responsibilities play any role in her decision, or is her rebellion a purely selfish desire?

Also, this may just be a personal peeve of mine, but IMO Ella was really quite shallow. Suddenly – in the course of a day – she falls in love with someone that she previously had nothing but contempt for? Because he’s good-looking? And how could she possibly know that it’s true love?

Prince Chivalry is a not a very good actor if his act falls apart in one day. Also, he seems to be fairly oblivious – given the utter contempt that Ella regards him with and her verbal abuse/evasiveness when dealing with him, how could he have possibly thought that she wanted a sheltered prince? Yes, yes, he saw the way she looked at the men in the diner, but I have a hard time believing that he didn’t notice something wasn’t right in their relationship prior to that.

Plot

Okay. I realize that you have a short story format here and so it’s fairly difficult to tell a nuanced tale, but I’m going to offer some advice: when writing a short story, you don’t have to begin at the beginning. (You don’t have to do that with longer works, either, but in short stories your space is more limited, so it’s a good idea to start in the middle and explain as you go.) You could begin with the travelling, which would allow you to expand more on the relationship between Ella and Chivalry. Also, my suspension of disbelief is being stretched by the timeline. You could play this out in a few days (or a few weeks, even) and end up with the same outcome being much more believable. Also, you could ratchet up the tension by having Ella’s parents send out patrols to search for her. Every good story needs tension!

Other Things

Just a couple of minor things. Thing the first: punctuation and dialogue. If you have a dialogue tag (a fancy name for ‘he said’/’she screamed’/’it wailed’, etc.), then you end the sentence with a comma (or a dash, or a question mark, or an exclamation mark, depending on what the story requires) and you don’t capitalize the start of the dialogue tag.

“This is an example of how dialogue should be punctuated,” she said.

“Really?” he asked. “So you don’t capitalize the dialogue tag? And you don’t put the punctuation outside the quotation marks?”

“Good God, no!” she exclaimed. “That’s a surefire way to annoy Grammar Nazis.”

You get the picture.

Thing the second, be careful of your viewpoint. The example that springs to mind is the King’s comment to the painter. Ella’s running to her room, so she couldn’t possibly have seen that. (She might have heard it, though, and you could adjust the prose to express that.) My point is that if you’re writing in first person, you can’t put in something that the character can’t see. If my character is walking away from a marketplace, she can’t see that the shopkeepers are scared speechless because there’s a centaur wandering around looking at their merchandise.

That's all I have to say for now.

[SkyDancer]

Alright, here we go, and apologies for the double post:

Characters

Princess Ella would make so much more sense if she’d been time-travel’d/portal’d to this setting. She is very much the modern Western girl. Since cultures that have arranged marriages tend to have fairly strict rules of conduct and very high standards of social propriety for their girls, there has to be a reason she expresses her rebellion this way. Did her father treat her as he might a son for the early years of her life? Did her parents let her run wild among the servants and the lower classes for some reason? Was she raised outside the castle? Was it believed that she wouldn’t live to this age, due to a childhood illness or something, and no one bothered to discipline her/instruct her in the proper behavior of a lady? Also, what are the responsibilities that she’s bucking by running away? Does those abandoned responsibilities play any role in her decision, or is her rebellion a purely selfish desire?

Also, this may just be a personal peeve of mine, but IMO Ella was really quite shallow. Suddenly – in the course of a day – she falls in love with someone that she previously had nothing but contempt for? Because he’s good-looking? And how could she possibly know that it’s true love?

Prince Chivalry is a not a very good actor if his act falls apart in one day. Also, he seems to be fairly oblivious – given the utter contempt that Ella regards him with and her verbal abuse/evasiveness when dealing with him, how could he have possibly thought that she wanted a sheltered prince? Yes, yes, he saw the way she looked at the men in the diner, but I have a hard time believing that he didn’t notice something wasn’t right in their relationship prior to that.

Plot

Okay. I realize that you have a short story format here and so it’s fairly difficult to tell a nuanced tale, but I’m going to offer some advice: when writing a short story, you don’t have to begin at the beginning. (You don’t have to do that with longer works, either, but in short stories your space is more limited, so it’s a good idea to start in the middle and explain as you go.) You could begin with the travelling, which would allow you to expand more on the relationship between Ella and Chivalry. Also, my suspension of disbelief is being stretched by the timeline. You could play this out in a few days (or a few weeks, even) and end up with the same outcome being much more believable. Also, you could ratchet up the tension by having Ella’s parents send out patrols to search for her. Every good story needs tension!

Other Things

Just a couple of minor things. Thing the first: punctuation and dialogue. If you have a dialogue tag (a fancy name for ‘he said’/’she screamed’/’it wailed’, etc.), then you end the sentence with a comma (or a dash, or a question mark, or an exclamation mark, depending on what the story requires) and you don’t capitalize the start of the dialogue tag.

“This is an example of how dialogue should be punctuated,” she said.

“Really?” he asked. “So you don’t capitalize the dialogue tag? And you don’t put the punctuation outside the quotation marks?”

“Good God, no!” she exclaimed. “That’s a surefire way to annoy Grammar Nazis.”

You get the picture.

Thing the second, be careful of your viewpoint. The example that springs to mind is the King’s comment to the painter. Ella’s running to her room, so she couldn’t possibly have seen that. (She might have heard it, though, and you could adjust the prose to express that.) My point is that if you’re writing in first person, you can’t put in something that the character can’t see. If my character is walking away from a marketplace, she can’t see that the shopkeepers are scared speechless because there’s a centaur wandering around looking at their merchandise.

That's all I have to say for now.

Lol.

I mean,well said and everything!Its just after that its like,lol.:p

[ReadingChick]

Lol.

I mean,well said and everything!Its just after that its like,lol.:p

Anything specific of just my whole teel deer-ness generally?

[Alyss of Wonderland]

Alright, here we go, and apologies for the double post:

Characters

Princess Ella would make so much more sense if she’d been time-travel’d/portal’d to this setting. She is very much the modern Western girl. Since cultures that have arranged marriages tend to have fairly strict rules of conduct and very high standards of social propriety for their girls, there has to be a reason she expresses her rebellion this way. Did her father treat her as he might a son for the early years of her life? Did her parents let her run wild among the servants and the lower classes for some reason? Was she raised outside the castle? Was it believed that she wouldn’t live to this age, due to a childhood illness or something, and no one bothered to discipline her/instruct her in the proper behavior of a lady? Also, what are the responsibilities that she’s bucking by running away? Does those abandoned responsibilities play any role in her decision, or is her rebellion a purely selfish desire?

Also, this may just be a personal peeve of mine, but IMO Ella was really quite shallow. Suddenly – in the course of a day – she falls in love with someone that she previously had nothing but contempt for? Because he’s good-looking? And how could she possibly know that it’s true love?

Prince Chivalry is a not a very good actor if his act falls apart in one day. Also, he seems to be fairly oblivious – given the utter contempt that Ella regards him with and her verbal abuse/evasiveness when dealing with him, how could he have possibly thought that she wanted a sheltered prince? Yes, yes, he saw the way she looked at the men in the diner, but I have a hard time believing that he didn’t notice something wasn’t right in their relationship prior to that.

Plot

Okay. I realize that you have a short story format here and so it’s fairly difficult to tell a nuanced tale, but I’m going to offer some advice: when writing a short story, you don’t have to begin at the beginning. (You don’t have to do that with longer works, either, but in short stories your space is more limited, so it’s a good idea to start in the middle and explain as you go.) You could begin with the travelling, which would allow you to expand more on the relationship between Ella and Chivalry. Also, my suspension of disbelief is being stretched by the timeline. You could play this out in a few days (or a few weeks, even) and end up with the same outcome being much more believable. Also, you could ratchet up the tension by having Ella’s parents send out patrols to search for her. Every good story needs tension!

Other Things

Just a couple of minor things. Thing the first: punctuation and dialogue. If you have a dialogue tag (a fancy name for ‘he said’/’she screamed’/’it wailed’, etc.), then you end the sentence with a comma (or a dash, or a question mark, or an exclamation mark, depending on what the story requires) and you don’t capitalize the start of the dialogue tag.

“This is an example of how dialogue should be punctuated,” she said.

“Really?” he asked. “So you don’t capitalize the dialogue tag? And you don’t put the punctuation outside the quotation marks?”

“Good God, no!” she exclaimed. “That’s a surefire way to annoy Grammar Nazis.”

You get the picture.

Thing the second, be careful of your viewpoint. The example that springs to mind is the King’s comment to the painter. Ella’s running to her room, so she couldn’t possibly have seen that. (She might have heard it, though, and you could adjust the prose to express that.) My point is that if you’re writing in first person, you can’t put in something that the character can’t see. If my character is walking away from a marketplace, she can’t see that the shopkeepers are scared speechless because there’s a centaur wandering around looking at their merchandise.

That's all I have to say for now.

My original plan for Ella was to let her fall in love with him because he is him. I realize that she is quite shallow in this story, but my original much longer story involved him being himself (scared and... scared lol) and she would grow to love that. Hopefully (since we're doing poetry right now), I'll be able to write a lot more and make that happen. For her background, I'm going to have to think on that, and it's a good point that you bring up! It'll make her more real in my opinion.

Prince Chivalry has SOOOO many things that need to be worked with lol.

Tension!! Good idea!! Definitely need that.

I've had some trouble with dialogue... my teachers haven't done a good job teaching that subject because I see a lot of people in my class that do the same things I do. I also try to type really fast so there's always mistakes with me...

WHY'D I EVEN PUT THAT IN THERE!?! Before I even posted it up here, I was speculating whether I should have the king talk to the painter since she wasn't there... well, thank you for noticing!! I will take it out.

Thank you so much!! This helps a lot!! I just wish that you could sign my paper to show my teacher that you helped me edit this. I will tell her though that you helped me!!

[ReadingChick]

My original plan for Ella was to let her fall in love with him because he is him. I realize that she is quite shallow in this story, but my original much longer story involved him being himself (scared and... scared lol) and she would grow to love that. Hopefully (since we're doing poetry right now), I'll be able to write a lot more and make that happen. For her background, I'm going to have to think on that, and it's a good point that you bring up! It'll make her more real in my opinion.

Prince Chivalry has SOOOO many things that need to be worked with lol.

Well, I look forward to seeing what you do with the extended version.


Tension!! Good idea!! Definitely need that.

Allow me to quote something that I once read: Frustration is the most important element in fiction. Frustration creates tension. Frustrate your characters and they have to do something (even if it's hissyfitting or chucking a tantrum). Then, once they're doing something, frustrate them some more and see what they do. :p Using your scenario, Ella's father could send out patrols, meaning that she and Chivalry have to dodge them (or Ella might have to dodge them, since Chivalry wants her to go back to the castle - he might try to signal the patrols, forcing Ella to knock him out or something). One of their horses might go lame or break a leg, meaning they have to ride on the same horse or else walk, which will allow the patrols to catch up with them. Then they might be attacked by wild animals and one of them is injured. If it's Ella, then you create tension because the audience doesn't know whether Chivalry will take them back to the castle or not. If it's Chivalry, that forces Ella to take care of him. It kind of becomes a game, seeing how much tension you can give a story. Just be sure that you can resolve it, otherwise you end up frustrating yourself, and believe me, that's not fun.


Thank you so much!! This helps a lot!! I just wish that you could sign my paper to show my teacher that you helped me edit this. I will tell her though that you helped me!!

Believe me, I'm glad to help out. :)

[SkyDancer]

Anything specific of just my whole teel deer-ness generally?

The latter!::D